Flowchart magic-- as awesome as a Unicorns toot

I think this flow chart was made for the Keel family. For one, the pure organization and flow is astounding, but secondly and more importantly I feel like this chart could be the magical answer to every parents plead for mercy. I need one for my wall please.

LMAO!! So terrible, so so so terrible.... When this little guy grows up it will be hard to say if he'll be loving this announcement, or horrified by it. Right now, it's entertaining the hell out of me.

We made it-- HALFWAY MARK!! 20 weeks

HELLO 20 weeks!!!

I can't even believe I'm half way done. I can say, while doing a leprochan kick and air fist pumping, that I am THRILLED to be out of the 1st trimester and begining portion of the pregnancy's woods. Holy mother of cheese cake that was no fun, no fun at all! Now, I'm feeling just super-- honestly I am. Of course I'll fill you in on the dirty and cheap shots that are still very much around to taunt me, but overall, we are 90% smiles most of the time.

What I don't miss..
1.  Barfing my brains out
2.  Nausea triggers(Kitchen, Grocery Store, Smelling anything, being alive in general) 24/7
3.  THE BLOAT-- I looked like a microwaved marshmallow every living moment
4.  Being so thirsty I could drain a pool- chlorine and all
5.  Insomnia- I felt like a tweeker
6.  Wearing that stupid Belly Band-- great invention, but wearing another layer in summer can suck an egg
7.  The fear of something going massively wrong with the pregnancy

I can say I was never really tired. I know this is a common complaint for most women, but I really never felt exhausted. I just had every other symptom in the book plus a few "happens to 1% of women" symptoms. 

Now, I'm huge-- let's start there. I'm not kidding for those that are saying "oh ya right Jaime, you're probably still small and just feel large" NOPE-- definitely large. I still refuse to buy maternity clothes. I can't, they are so discustingly ugly I just can't spend my money on them. So, instead I'm into XL and XXL and not afraid to wear leggings with anything that allows it.

I don't really feel big anywhere but my belly and its not just a little ball belly, its the entire torso belly. The babies are in their designated positions, left and right, and about the size of a Banana. Yes, the fruit-- so silly, but does give you a good visual. I swear my babies are more like Plantains, because I can feel them moving in my crotch and under my rib cage at the same time.

The babies look awesome though, 10oz, and 12oz already. Their heartbeats are 167 and 132. They still give me the open ended ... looks identical, but maybe could be fraternal. I guess it doesnt really matter. They both have their own sac and placenta so that is perfect.

I have gained 18 pounds total so far, but I do feel like a truck. I have gone to the gym pretty much everyday since I found out I was pregnant. It was MUCH harder during the first trimester, now its pretty easy. I just look a little more awkward crawling onto the machines and waddling around in my spandex with my muffin top screaming "look out- wide load coming through."  The gym is definitely my saving grace, so I'll keep that up until I'm ready to burst.

I have ordered everything for the nursery, crib, bedding, furniture, etc. I'm so excited for it to arrive.

We went to Florida for Adam's little sister, Lauren's wedding. It was a great time. I was hotter than a Texas Whore House, but it was a really fun time spent with family and seeing Lauren and Scottie so happy. Ill post some pics.

We are headed to see my parents in Colorado next week, and then going to Arizona for my first baby shower in September. LOTS OF VACATION this summer!! After Arizona we will settle down, and have one more shower up north with our East Coast family.

All in all, we are doing fabulous. Enjoying the comedy of pregnancy and doing lots of laughing.

To kick off the guessing of the genders... I am staying BOY BOY!!


~~ Jaime

Pregnancy is pretty great most of the time...

Okay now I know that some of these don't always apply – we've all met that dick that doesn't care if you're pregnant and won't hold the door for you even if you're hauling a bag of hammers up three flights of stairs – but generally speaking, there are a few perks to being knocked up.

"I don't feel up to it" is a valid excuse to get out of almost anything. Don't feel like going to your co-workers karaoke debut, seeing a documentary about the social habits of chinchillas, or volunteering at to organize the fun fair? "I'm just not feeling up to it" when you're pregnant its up there with "I have diarrhea" when you don't because nobody want to venture into the details.

People want you to sit down all the time and offer their seats. Sure this one can get annoying (especially around older men who seem to think being upright is a detriment to you and your unborn child) but how awesome is it to go to the family picnic and not have to scan for an open lawn chair. "Sorry Aunt Mary, go rest your shiny new hip somewhere else, I have to eat cake."

People offer to carry stuff for you. This somehow never applies to screaming toddlers – but with groceries, bags of dirt, and 50lb bags of rotini from Costco, someone will often step up and ask if you want help. Again, some people will insist they help you with that treacherous bag of cotton balls, but that's a small price to pay for getting a giant bag of dog food lifted into your car. Just be sure your trunk is not full of embarrassing crap like empty bags of McDonald's, Sour Patch Kids and Pop Tart boxes with a roll of random toilet paper from when your nose was inexplicably running for no reason.

You are expected to eat a lot. I especially love old, European Ladies in this area. They just keep handing you pasta, pastries and perogies and say, "eat, eat, you nid to eat". They are also the same women that told you not to be too smart or no good man will want to marry you, but they are awesome cooks so you let it slide.

You can blame crying on the pregnancy. Phone commercial? Episode of Grey's? Preview for Kung Fu Panda 14? Feel free to burst into uncontrollable crying if you are so inclined because people expect this kind of outbursts from you. Plus, I feel it's important you let this kind of emotion out so it doesn't turn into gas.

You can blame forgetfulness on the pregnancy. There have been many studies that have discounted pregnancy brain but I think those people are just confused and need a tall cool glass of shut-the-hell-up. People find this annoying trait quite endearing when you're pregnant so skip a few meetings and birthdays while you're gestating to take advantage of this loop hole.

You can blame violence on the pregnancy. Some women feel all soft and nesty through their pregnancies and some women want to jump on the hood of the car that cut them off, and plunge their fists through the windshield like the Terminator.
People are friendlier. Perhaps being pregnant signifies to some people that you were deemed nurturing and nice enough to be impregnated because strangers will find you more approachable and will therefore be friendlier to you. This also lays a nice foundation for crying, forgetfulness and batshit crazy rage because people assume that at you are good at your core so they'll let a lot of stuff go.

You don't have to suck it in. Ah, stretchy pants. Mmmmm, tacos. Go for it honey because no one is going to notice or care that you added to the bulge.

People smile at you. Strangers love pregnant woman and silent newborns but they hate kids. Sorry, it's a fact so you should take advantage of all the people that smile at you in the aisles of Walmart while you're shopping for mammoth mamma panties because they'll be that same people that give you the hairy eyeball when you're three-year old launches into a Linda Blair froth when you won't buy him Skittles.

Of course there is always the point that I'm growing two awesome little people in there but how boring is that ;)

~~Jaime

 

Amazingly awkard pregnancy photos that will brighten anyones day

These photos might just be the highlight of my second trimester.  All these images get 6 hell yeahs and a shot of Jäger from me. Hope you enjoy them too.

Awkward Family Photos
"Okay, I'll do your Hoop..., der it's your idea, just don't show my face"



May I call you Kung Fu Panda? Why certainly, may I deliver a front snap-kick to your jewels?





There's a good chance that this baby is going to require sunscreen of SPF 50 and higher.



I can't help but hear the Jaws theme when I see this photo.



Jerry felt pretty cocky about taking the last bag of Oreos a pregnant lady was reaching for at Safeway, until his dismembered body was later found in the forest just outside of town.



Shhh, he falls asleep like this all the time. Just give him a minute.



Proud and noble, Donna figured the tutu and legs she found at Build-A-Bear would cleverly disguise her growing belly.



It's all fun and games until someone gets ingested by a tree.



Hearing only "topless and melons", he was sorely disappointed when he showed up for the photoshoot.



"Hey, lady. Get away from my picnic!"



"Okay, well be sure to take a shot that I can send to Aunt Cathy. Just because she wouldn't come to the wedding doesn't mean she's not excited about the baby."



Tired and exhausted from noodling for catfish, Carol decided to take a rest on the riverbank while keeping an eye out for gators.



Do you dare me to unbutton one more-- its hard to tell what we'll find


Hush, hush sweet little man-baby. Everything's going to be alright.



I agree that the question mark is vital on this man's t-shirt. Where is he looking? Why did he feel the need to layer two black tees? Why isn't he happy? How do they get their plants in the background to grow so well?



Quickly wrapping the table cloth around her naked body and running outside, she still wasn't fast enough to catch the ice-cream truck.




Cat's is the second longest running musical of all time, therefore, this image is timeless! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.



Seeing as I had trouble putting on my shoes during my pregnancy, I can't help but be impressed by this modest little flower's agility.




I hope this is hanging over the fireplace for when their sassy mouthed 13-year old daughter brings her friends over.
Thank you Awkward Family Photos for coming out with yet another book I want for Christmas. Lastly, I hope all you folks in the shots had wonderful, healthy babies. Nope, just doesn't get old for me. It just doesn't get old.

~~ Jaime

Porn for Pregnant Ladies

Hey pregnant ladies we *should* have our very own candy to look at. We have needs! We have desires!

I thought about some of the wonderful words many pregnant women might like to hear during this blissful time of feeling so attractive and full of spunk.
Here are a few I came up with, but feel free to let me know what else these fine (oh so fine) gentlemen could say to make you weak in the knees.

























Thank you Gentlemen, I couldn't have said it better myself!

~~ Jaime

I LOVE surprises-- and dammit we're gonna get a couple good ones so help me!

My husband Adam and I usually agree on most things- although picking names for our future children is challenging to say the least. Honestly though I was surprised when Adam agreed with me on keeping the genders a surprise. I really thought I'd have to pick a fight or threaten him with something unrealistic. Keeping the genders a surprise I believe it's not only logical, but valid is: Why?! Why must you know now?! What is it going to change? How much you love the baby? I don't think so. AND what about this awesome thing called "the element of surprise"?! How often in this day & age do we get surprised? And I don't mean walking in on your married boss with his male assistant surprised. I mean really surprised in a GOOD way. I still remember when Adam proposed, BEST SURPRISE OF MY LIFE! Why would I have wanted to know that? Same deal with the little chickens -- I want and long to hear "it's a boy or girl!!!" and I'm thrilled Adam is gonna be there in that moment too.