Alright, I'm fed up with this whole trying to see my Queen Bee to shave and trim and keep things all tight lined and pretty. For one, I would have appreciated knowing that all the time and torture of laser hair removal was a waste, because pregnancy hormones bring it all on back... Secondly, I can't even see the damn turf anymore to do anything about it.
I contimplated just sitting on a towel on the bathroom floor in front of a mirror, with every tool and razor I could find to try and Edward Scissorhands my way back to some sort of dignity. But then, I realized that there would be areas I know I'd miss, and I'd end up looking like a half eaten piece of corn on the cob.
Waxing you say is the answer... Um, have you ever had a Brazilian Wax? If not, I suggest you take a shot of Tequilla and give it a whirl. You will be screaming choice words way more profrain than "Kelly Clarkson." Ya know, I'm actually a little pissed to find out that they don't offer a full Brazilian after they shoot you up with the epidural... could there not be a more perfect time to have someone rip your soul out thru 300 million tiny hairs, I don't think so. I'm afraid, DEATHLY AFRAID, that waxing may be my only answer... either that, or I'll just get myself a "hot pink" colored Fun Betty Dye Kit to dye the disaster I have going on, and enjoy the party at my next OB visit.
~jaime
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
22 Weeks
How far along? 22 weeks ( 5 1/2 months)
Total weight gain : 24bs UGHHHHHH!! I feel like a Silverback Gorilla
Maternity clothes? I have bent over for maternity shirts- the side elastic is heavenly. I really have no choice now. Normal tanks and tees ride up my belly so far I look like a washed up obese 8th grader. Pants and Shorts ill still okay in large sizes-- like size 12-14 Junior or size 33 pants. I wonder if it would be less damaging on my brain to just get maternity pants in size medium, hmmmm.
Stretch marks? Proudly-- NOPE... my exfoliating and layering system of oil and creamy marinade twice a day is so far working( i dont even rub it in...soak it up hyde, soak it up!)
Skin, Hair & Nails: I think because i've taken pre-natal vitamins for years i havent had any amazing new advances in the hair and nail dept. I hear all your hair falls out after you have the baby-- LOVELY! I cant wait to add a scarf to my post-baby "robe and slippers" look.
Sleep: I HATE NIGHT TIME... eeeee :( I literally toss and turn like a kabob. I hate it. I can't get comfy. My hips hurt SO bad it wakes me up. I get charlie horses in my legs. I'm a mess when it comes to sleeping. The doctor told me it is because I havent had kids yet and my hips arent stretched-- so now, double time they are expanding like earth movers.
Best moment this week: Seeing the babies move when I look at my belly. I have felt them for a few weeks now, but seeing it adds a whole new element. Getting their room almost complete is pretty awesome too!
Miss anything? Sitting up without getting a rocking start, shaving my legs with ease, tieing my shoes, working out like normal( i'm not complaining-- i still get to the gym daily, thank heavens!) eating food without getting indigestion, being able to pee without leaning forward, sleeping soundly, my complexion, my laser hair removal(WHAT A WASTE OF MONEY, hormones brought it all back)
Movement: TONS!! kung foo panda babies coming right up. Feels like kicking, punching, thumping, tapping, summersalts. All over too-- from my ribs to my crotch.
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really anymore--the smell of eggs cooking sometimes makes me gag. I'm overall just sensitive to smell-- stinky anything makes me want to punch someone.
Gender: we could know, but, NO WAY!! surprise is on its way. I think it may be boy/boy. I dont see any way it could be girl/girl.
Labor signs: I do get some cramping still. Dr. Gaiser said it could be the onset of Braxton Hicks... I'm monitoring but so far I feel great.
Symptoms: lately i've felt more sensitive, a little weepy, definitely uncomfortable and that leads to me getting a little worn out and cranky. I have been trying SO hard to keep my good humor. LAUGHING helps a lot!
Belly button in or out? I'd call it straight up FLAT... its on the verge of popping.
Can you see your toes? barely!
Happy or moody most of the time: depends on the moment-- overall really happy
Looking forward to: My babyshowers coming up!! Arizona Shower: Sept. 9th and Ohio Shower: Oct. 6th. YAY!!
THE HOSPITAL BAG
The time is quickly approaching where the question i'll be getting is "Are you packed yet?".
I never thought you really needed much to have a baby. Got your vagina right? Packed!
However, if you're having a hospital birth(and aren't squatting against a tree), there are a few things that would make your stay a little more pleasant. Here's the list I came up with based off of some girlfriends tips, feel free to let me know what you took, or are taking. I could use all the help I can get!!
For You:
Pillow: Hospital pillows are about the thickness of a communion wafer – maybe it's so you can't smother someone with them to get your inheritance early, dunno – so it's always nice to have a pillow from home. Not only is more comfortable, but your pillow kind of smells like your bed and that's always comforting.
Flip flops: There's a good chance you will need to walk around at some point so a lot of women take slippers. A friend of mine told me to take flip flops because you can wear them in the shower and I will be forever if the shower in the hospital looked liked a scene out of Seven. I've heard feet may also swell beyond the width of a slipper, so the flip flops would accommodate the charming loaves of baked bread formerly known as feet.
Socks
Sports bra or Nursing Bra: You may or may not need this one but it's nice to have if you want to contain the post birth boobs.d
PJs and robe:There's only so long you can walk around in one of those shear sheets with your ass hanging out before you lose your mind.
Underwear: Bring something ratty that can be thrown out or burned later. You will have to wear some kind of maxi pads to deal with lochia (a lovely term, can't wait to experience this.) so this isn't the time to pack a thong. Maternity underwear is probably your best bet to guarantee a comfy fit.
Maxi Pads: Most hospitals will supply you with maxi pads to deal with the post birth bleeding, but I suspect they are shipped by the crate with ACME printed on the side. They are usually thick and kind of diaper'ish so it's nice to have something that has wings, propellers and whatever other cutting edge technology maxi pads keep coming up with. That said, hospital pads are free so load up on the thunder pads if they don't bother you.
Nursing pads: This was originally on the "Don't Bother" list, but many women in the comments said that they did need them so tuck a few in your bag. They don't take up much space and you can always use them as coasters if you don't end up using them.
Towel: You can never go wrong with a towel – they are the multi-tools of a hospital stay. Use it to sit on if you're in labour on the way to the hospital to spare your seats if your water breaks (a bit). Take it in the shower with your during your stay. Cover anything gross that you may need to lie on like a questionable pillow or couch arm. It's always a good go to item to always have on hand.
Trash bag: Don't take this to the hospital but leave it in your car to sit on if your water breaks before or on the way to the hospital. Saves on detailing and isn't a bad thing to have in your glove box anyway.
Toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, brush, contact lens solution and case, glasses, chapstick, hairband or hair tie, hand sanitizer, or anything else your would take to stay over night somewhere. There are some gross moments that sometimes comes with birth so don't add chapped lips to them.
Lanolin or nipple cream: If you're planning to breastfeed, take this along just in case the road is a little rocky.
Makeup: You can also add makeup to the list if that's important to you for photo ops. I'm sure ill look like death, but a little makeup may help that "hot puffy straight out of hell" look.
Gum and Gatorade: I don't know what kind of desert air they pump through a hospital, but it's dry. My hat goes off to you if you work in one because I don't know how you don't look like a raisinette. I ate ice chips by the metric ton when I was in labour but the odd stick of gum and sip of gatorade really hit the spot when I wasn't allowed to eat. Gum is also good for your spouse who may have been drinking a gallon of coffee just before getting up in your face to say your doing a great job and to practice breathing exercises. Feelings may get hurt if you scream, "your breath smells like the ass of alley cat" in the heat of the moment. Take gum.
Snacks: If you are in labour there is a good chance you will not be allowed to eat in case you need to have surgery quickly, however, if you've been given the green light to nibble have a little something delicious on hand so you're not stuck with hospital apple sauce at 3am.
Trashy magazines: Especially if you're being induced, there is often a lot of hurry up and wait time. Take something light so you don't have to think too much and you can just thumb through. When it's time to go home, try to leave them as well. It's doubtful you'll want to read them at home and the nurses or other patients may enjoy reading them too.
I.D. and Insurance: "I'm sorry, you want to know who I am and who to charge for this birth?!"
Tech stuff: If you're like me, you'll need to take your cell phone (even if you're not allowed to use it) to get everyone's number if you want to make a call. You can also play games and surf the web if you're in a bit of a labour limbo. Take your charger too. Ipad, computer, cameras, etc.
Pen and phone numbers: Pens are always scarce and you, or your partner, are going to need to fill out forms. Phone numbers are good to take so you can keep playing Angry Birds while your husband goes off to call your hysterical Mother to say, "the baby still isn't here yet."
Birth Plan: I've talked about birth plans and how my plan was "to have a baby", but it's never a bad idea to have a general plan of what you'd like to do (or not do) so everyone is singing off the same song sheet.
Camera: Someone, at some point, will want to see a photo of this kid so here's a good chance to capture a couple.
Going home outfit: Let me be really straight here, you ain't leaving the hospital wearing pre-baby clothes so don't bother packing them. Pack something clean and comfortable and that's it. Maxi dress. Yoga pants and a t-shirt...even a Nun halloween costume. Doesn't matter, just make sure it's comfy.
For Baby:
Diapers: Most hospitals will give you a few but it's a good idea to bring your own whether you're going to use cloth or disposable.
Wipes: Again, hospitals may or may not supply you with wipes so it's a good idea to have them on hand.
Soothers: Soothers are awesome and I will fight that fact to the death. Take a few different kinds with you to see what fits the bill,
Scratch mittens: Newborns have wafer thin nails so wait until you're a little "with it" before you trim their nails (whether with trimmers or by biting them) as there isn't a huge difference between the feeling of their nails and the feeling of their skin. There are plenty of things to feel guilty about with being a mother so let's not add removing the tip of a finger to the list in the first few days.
Hat: The hospital will often give you a hat, but take a little one just in case.
Receiving blanket: Like a towel, receiving blankets can be used for a variety of things. Wrapping a baby up. Used as a nursing cover if you're not feeling comfortable with putting on a boob show yet. Wiping little mouths, hands, feet. As a car seat cover to block the sun when you leave the hospital. You can't go wrong. I recommend a cheap thin one as they seem to be the most versitile in the beginning.
Going home outfit: I think some people go all nuts with this and dress them like they are greeting the queen. If you aren't sentimental about this, take a onesie or sleeper to take them home in.
Baby book: If you have a baby keepsake book and a kind nurse that has time to help you out, you may be able to score some footprints from a seasoned pro that can get a good impression for you.
Nursing pillow: I wasn't going to add this to the list because you don't want to rent a uhaul to take all your crap to the hospital, but a lot of women listed this as an essential. Breastfeeding can be really tricky for some people so every little bit helps. Even if you don't want to take it in for the initial check in, you can put it in the car and send someone down for it if you want to use it.
Car seat: I don't think there is any hospital out there that will let you leave the hospital without a car seat (I guess if you're taking the bus home it's another story). So leave it in the car and bring it up as you're packing up to leave.
For Your Spouse:
Toothbrush, deodorant and underwear: My friend thought she was going into labour and called her husband at home and told him to pack a bag and meet her at the hospital. It was a false alarm but when he got there he had packed a tee-shirt, football jersey, some toothpaste (no toothbrush) and a pair of her socks. I shit you not. More than likely your spouse will be able to leave and take care of himself (or herself) but if never hurts to take some emergency essentials just in case they unhinged in the flury of birth.
What not to take:
Jewelry: You will need to take it off and leave it unattended. Leave it at home.
Baby nail clippers: Manis and pedis along with hair brushing, bathing, etc. can wait for home so don't bother bringing those things along.
Lastly, it's always a nice gesture to leave a "thank you" for the hospital staff.
Nurses in particular do a lot of gross shit for you while you're in there so, even if it's small, it's nice to say, "thank you for holding a bed pan while I vomit. I really appreciated that."
Hope the list helps and let me know what I forgot.
However, if you're having a hospital birth(and aren't squatting against a tree), there are a few things that would make your stay a little more pleasant. Here's the list I came up with based off of some girlfriends tips, feel free to let me know what you took, or are taking. I could use all the help I can get!!
For You:
Pillow: Hospital pillows are about the thickness of a communion wafer – maybe it's so you can't smother someone with them to get your inheritance early, dunno – so it's always nice to have a pillow from home. Not only is more comfortable, but your pillow kind of smells like your bed and that's always comforting.
Flip flops: There's a good chance you will need to walk around at some point so a lot of women take slippers. A friend of mine told me to take flip flops because you can wear them in the shower and I will be forever if the shower in the hospital looked liked a scene out of Seven. I've heard feet may also swell beyond the width of a slipper, so the flip flops would accommodate the charming loaves of baked bread formerly known as feet.
Socks
Sports bra or Nursing Bra: You may or may not need this one but it's nice to have if you want to contain the post birth boobs.d
PJs and robe:There's only so long you can walk around in one of those shear sheets with your ass hanging out before you lose your mind.
Underwear: Bring something ratty that can be thrown out or burned later. You will have to wear some kind of maxi pads to deal with lochia (a lovely term, can't wait to experience this.) so this isn't the time to pack a thong. Maternity underwear is probably your best bet to guarantee a comfy fit.
Maxi Pads: Most hospitals will supply you with maxi pads to deal with the post birth bleeding, but I suspect they are shipped by the crate with ACME printed on the side. They are usually thick and kind of diaper'ish so it's nice to have something that has wings, propellers and whatever other cutting edge technology maxi pads keep coming up with. That said, hospital pads are free so load up on the thunder pads if they don't bother you.
Nursing pads: This was originally on the "Don't Bother" list, but many women in the comments said that they did need them so tuck a few in your bag. They don't take up much space and you can always use them as coasters if you don't end up using them.
Towel: You can never go wrong with a towel – they are the multi-tools of a hospital stay. Use it to sit on if you're in labour on the way to the hospital to spare your seats if your water breaks (a bit). Take it in the shower with your during your stay. Cover anything gross that you may need to lie on like a questionable pillow or couch arm. It's always a good go to item to always have on hand.
Trash bag: Don't take this to the hospital but leave it in your car to sit on if your water breaks before or on the way to the hospital. Saves on detailing and isn't a bad thing to have in your glove box anyway.
Toiletries: toothbrush, toothpaste, shampoo, deodorant, brush, contact lens solution and case, glasses, chapstick, hairband or hair tie, hand sanitizer, or anything else your would take to stay over night somewhere. There are some gross moments that sometimes comes with birth so don't add chapped lips to them.
Lanolin or nipple cream: If you're planning to breastfeed, take this along just in case the road is a little rocky.
Makeup: You can also add makeup to the list if that's important to you for photo ops. I'm sure ill look like death, but a little makeup may help that "hot puffy straight out of hell" look.
Gum and Gatorade: I don't know what kind of desert air they pump through a hospital, but it's dry. My hat goes off to you if you work in one because I don't know how you don't look like a raisinette. I ate ice chips by the metric ton when I was in labour but the odd stick of gum and sip of gatorade really hit the spot when I wasn't allowed to eat. Gum is also good for your spouse who may have been drinking a gallon of coffee just before getting up in your face to say your doing a great job and to practice breathing exercises. Feelings may get hurt if you scream, "your breath smells like the ass of alley cat" in the heat of the moment. Take gum.
Snacks: If you are in labour there is a good chance you will not be allowed to eat in case you need to have surgery quickly, however, if you've been given the green light to nibble have a little something delicious on hand so you're not stuck with hospital apple sauce at 3am.
Trashy magazines: Especially if you're being induced, there is often a lot of hurry up and wait time. Take something light so you don't have to think too much and you can just thumb through. When it's time to go home, try to leave them as well. It's doubtful you'll want to read them at home and the nurses or other patients may enjoy reading them too.
I.D. and Insurance: "I'm sorry, you want to know who I am and who to charge for this birth?!"
Tech stuff: If you're like me, you'll need to take your cell phone (even if you're not allowed to use it) to get everyone's number if you want to make a call. You can also play games and surf the web if you're in a bit of a labour limbo. Take your charger too. Ipad, computer, cameras, etc.
Pen and phone numbers: Pens are always scarce and you, or your partner, are going to need to fill out forms. Phone numbers are good to take so you can keep playing Angry Birds while your husband goes off to call your hysterical Mother to say, "the baby still isn't here yet."
Birth Plan: I've talked about birth plans and how my plan was "to have a baby", but it's never a bad idea to have a general plan of what you'd like to do (or not do) so everyone is singing off the same song sheet.
Camera: Someone, at some point, will want to see a photo of this kid so here's a good chance to capture a couple.
Going home outfit: Let me be really straight here, you ain't leaving the hospital wearing pre-baby clothes so don't bother packing them. Pack something clean and comfortable and that's it. Maxi dress. Yoga pants and a t-shirt...even a Nun halloween costume. Doesn't matter, just make sure it's comfy.
For Baby:
Diapers: Most hospitals will give you a few but it's a good idea to bring your own whether you're going to use cloth or disposable.
Wipes: Again, hospitals may or may not supply you with wipes so it's a good idea to have them on hand.
Soothers: Soothers are awesome and I will fight that fact to the death. Take a few different kinds with you to see what fits the bill,
Scratch mittens: Newborns have wafer thin nails so wait until you're a little "with it" before you trim their nails (whether with trimmers or by biting them) as there isn't a huge difference between the feeling of their nails and the feeling of their skin. There are plenty of things to feel guilty about with being a mother so let's not add removing the tip of a finger to the list in the first few days.
Hat: The hospital will often give you a hat, but take a little one just in case.
Receiving blanket: Like a towel, receiving blankets can be used for a variety of things. Wrapping a baby up. Used as a nursing cover if you're not feeling comfortable with putting on a boob show yet. Wiping little mouths, hands, feet. As a car seat cover to block the sun when you leave the hospital. You can't go wrong. I recommend a cheap thin one as they seem to be the most versitile in the beginning.
Going home outfit: I think some people go all nuts with this and dress them like they are greeting the queen. If you aren't sentimental about this, take a onesie or sleeper to take them home in.
Baby book: If you have a baby keepsake book and a kind nurse that has time to help you out, you may be able to score some footprints from a seasoned pro that can get a good impression for you.
Nursing pillow: I wasn't going to add this to the list because you don't want to rent a uhaul to take all your crap to the hospital, but a lot of women listed this as an essential. Breastfeeding can be really tricky for some people so every little bit helps. Even if you don't want to take it in for the initial check in, you can put it in the car and send someone down for it if you want to use it.
Car seat: I don't think there is any hospital out there that will let you leave the hospital without a car seat (I guess if you're taking the bus home it's another story). So leave it in the car and bring it up as you're packing up to leave.
For Your Spouse:
Toothbrush, deodorant and underwear: My friend thought she was going into labour and called her husband at home and told him to pack a bag and meet her at the hospital. It was a false alarm but when he got there he had packed a tee-shirt, football jersey, some toothpaste (no toothbrush) and a pair of her socks. I shit you not. More than likely your spouse will be able to leave and take care of himself (or herself) but if never hurts to take some emergency essentials just in case they unhinged in the flury of birth.
What not to take:
Jewelry: You will need to take it off and leave it unattended. Leave it at home.
Baby nail clippers: Manis and pedis along with hair brushing, bathing, etc. can wait for home so don't bother bringing those things along.
Lastly, it's always a nice gesture to leave a "thank you" for the hospital staff.
Nurses in particular do a lot of gross shit for you while you're in there so, even if it's small, it's nice to say, "thank you for holding a bed pan while I vomit. I really appreciated that."
Hope the list helps and let me know what I forgot.
Dearest Daddy
I was going to do a post on what dads should do during delivery but decided that was too difficult because ONE, I haven't been there yet-- I CAN'T WAIT [insert some sarcarsm there... not a bunch, because I am excited, but a little] and TWO so much depends on the guy.
I'd imagine some men get all silent and queasy whereas others are all up in their lady's junk with a camcorder saying "Honey, I don't know how you're doing this!?".
The only thing I know from being an onlooker in the delivery room, would be to tell a fella who's about to go in to a delivery room is that your name is no longer your own – it's simply "dad". So you'll hear "Dad, do you want to grab a leg?", "That's right, Dad. Just help with breathing and stop talking." or "Dad, if you think you're going to pussy out and faint, get the hell out of the way and don't look down".
What I'd like to lay down is my idea of home the rules, so that the first few weeks and months are smoother for everyone:
1. If you're going to be late coming home don't wait until the last minute to tell me: Remember when you'd have to do chin ups and you knew you had to do 20? You'd get to 18 and think "I only have two more to go, I can make it" then some asshat comes along and says "Gimme 10 more". How much do you like that guy? Not so much.
2. Come home and get in the house. When you get home this is not the time to chit chat with the neighbour over the fence about how it's gong with the new baby. Assume that it is always Lord of the Rings war in the house and get your ass inside to relive the day shift because your wife has probably been walking around with that baby thinking "I only have to hang in there 30 more minutes....29.....28." (see point above).
3. Pretend you like the baby. I know, I know, you like the baby but most new mothers are wired with this demented sense of responsibility so even if their baby is screaming like a rabid howler monkey they don't want to leave it. So if you go in and say something like "take a shower, I've missed him all day and I can't wait to hold him" then take the wailing, purple terror and pretend to love it like a playoff game. In turn, she will be more willing to go bathe, eat or generally reset to be less crazy. It's win-win.
4. Don't ask "What's for Dinner" If everyone in the house is alive when you get home that's a successful day. My friend's husband asked her why dinner wasn't ready because "she'd been sitting at home all day doing nothing". If you ask "What's for dinner?" the answer might be "Your left testicle". Eat cereal, order take-out or drink pumped breastmilk. Your choice.
5. Don't whine about how hard your day was. This is important, Gentlemen. Even if your day consisted of being gang raped by angry silver back gorillas, she can trump you. Not only can she trump you but it may include details that you otherwise wouldn't have known about and don't want to hear. You're tired. You're stressed. But don't open Pandora's box. Also consider that this is someone who is up all night looking at your peaceful, sleeping vulnerable body. Don't give her yet another reason to smother you with a nursing pillow. She's probably already plotted your death a couple of times by now so don't push her over the edge.
6. Don't say you're babysitting. The mother of your child may be too tired to catch this slip but any woman who has had more than 20 minutes of consecutive sleep is going to do a slow, Chucky-head-turn and hiss "You're not babysitting. You're parenting." In your defense, I totally understand this statement. If you're not the primary caregiver and you're stepping in to take care of the baby then you are technically babysitting. Use terms like "Daddy Duty", "On call" and "At the helm" to be on the safe side and if you catch yourself saying "babysitting", quickly guard your nuts.
7. Don't lie on your back and hold the baby above your head facing you. They puke. It's the infant equivalent of the Funny Home Video guy pitching to the kid with the baseball bat and getting squared in the pills. All guys seem to like lying on their backs, hold the baby in the air and fly them over their face. Babies LOVE this and this joy often sends a surge of yak right into your who's-daddy's-airplane-open-mouth. They give no warning. They are vomit grenades.
8. Be CIA guy. Too often I think Fathers get shoved to the side and it's all about the baby, and to a lesser extend, the mom. Love the shadows, my friend. Be a gazelle in the grassland and don't draw attention to yourself because you're in the trenches and there's no glory in the trenches. Be like those awesome CIA guys with the silly putty in their ear who silently, seamlessly get the odd glass of water before it's asked for, load the dishwasher and do those slow motion body blocks when your dirty cousin with the cold sores tries to stick her finger in the baby's mouth. Your work will go unnoticed at first but when the dust settles you'll be revered and adored.
Your job at this time is really important to me honey. You're the voice of reason, the pillar of strength and the cavalry wrapped in to one. Adam you have always rocked my world, and a line like... "I'll be home early, I'm bringing dinner and I want to take the baby for a walk as soon as I get home" would sweep me right off my feet-- lets practice that :)
My conclusions on dealing the "baby won't stop crying dilemma"
Obviously, you want to rule out anything physically wrong with your baby in the 8 billion doctors appointments you have when they are a newborn. My friend's baby didn't stop crying for a 48 hour period until they figured out that one of her hairs had wrapped around the baby's toe and was cutting off circulation causing toe tourniquet syndrome. (Yep, someone named it so you can label your guilt). HAHA I'm kidding!!
But once you know that you're dealing with a healthy kid, here's what I've gathered from my girlfriends... lets see if I remember a single one when I'm spinning in circles begging for a break from the madness.
But once you know that you're dealing with a healthy kid, here's what I've gathered from my girlfriends... lets see if I remember a single one when I'm spinning in circles begging for a break from the madness.
• Put the baby down in a safe place and go pee. Everything seems better when you're sitting on the toilet.
• Listen to music. Even if you can still hear the baby it drowns out that upper octave that only a 2-month old and Mariah Carey can hit.
• Get earplugs. Again, just enough to take off the edge.
• Try to sing Led Zepplin's Immigrant Song so it sounds like your baby is taking the "AHhhaahhhhaaa" part.
• Bounce on an exercise ball and watch tv while your baby is strapped to your chest in a carrier. You may as well whittle your ass off while you lose your mind.
• Find one of those little old ladies that stop you in the mall and tell you that these are the best days of your life and give them the screaming baby. Fun fun, SUCKER.
• Find a slightly deaf relative to just hold the baby while you sit outside and cry.
• Write a nasty hormonal email to your spouse (or Gwyneth Paltrow) telling them how much you hate them and how you want to smother them in their sleep. Then don't send it. No point in burning that bridge in a moment of fury.
• Go for a walk with the baby strapped to you somewhere noisy. Babies love it when they are steeped in chaos and your exhaustion. An outdoor market, a busy street, or a college bar should do the trick – you get the gist.
• Do the "Aum" sound that Buddhist Monks do repeatedly while holding your baby on your chest. My Father-in-Law has perfected this sound and put every baby he held out like a light. He seriously should be rented out to new parents.
• Tell your baby your worst secrets ever. Who the hell are they going to tell?
• Draw a moustache with eyeliner on your baby's upper lip so they look like an angry outlaw while they cry.
• Cry right along with them and see who can outlast the other like a Boo Hoo showdown.
• Vacuum. You may as well have a clean house to show for your insanity.
• Have a shower and blow dry your hair. Be fancy and oblivious to the screams like Celine Dion!
• Dress your baby up in a Halloween costume. I shit you not that I did this and it's pretty hard to get frustrated with a screaming skunk.
the list may continue when real life experiences come into play... that's when it will get really entertaining and interesting :)
the list may continue when real life experiences come into play... that's when it will get really entertaining and interesting :)
Flowchart magic-- as awesome as a Unicorns toot
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
We made it-- HALFWAY MARK!! 20 weeks
HELLO 20 weeks!!!
I can't even believe I'm half way done. I can say, while doing a leprochan kick and air fist pumping, that I am THRILLED to be out of the 1st trimester and begining portion of the pregnancy's woods. Holy mother of cheese cake that was no fun, no fun at all! Now, I'm feeling just super-- honestly I am. Of course I'll fill you in on the dirty and cheap shots that are still very much around to taunt me, but overall, we are 90% smiles most of the time.
What I don't miss..
1. Barfing my brains out
2. Nausea triggers(Kitchen, Grocery Store, Smelling anything, being alive in general) 24/7
3. THE BLOAT-- I looked like a microwaved marshmallow every living moment
4. Being so thirsty I could drain a pool- chlorine and all
5. Insomnia- I felt like a tweeker
6. Wearing that stupid Belly Band-- great invention, but wearing another layer in summer can suck an egg
7. The fear of something going massively wrong with the pregnancy
I can say I was never really tired. I know this is a common complaint for most women, but I really never felt exhausted. I just had every other symptom in the book plus a few "happens to 1% of women" symptoms.
Now, I'm huge-- let's start there. I'm not kidding for those that are saying "oh ya right Jaime, you're probably still small and just feel large" NOPE-- definitely large. I still refuse to buy maternity clothes. I can't, they are so discustingly ugly I just can't spend my money on them. So, instead I'm into XL and XXL and not afraid to wear leggings with anything that allows it.
I don't really feel big anywhere but my belly and its not just a little ball belly, its the entire torso belly. The babies are in their designated positions, left and right, and about the size of a Banana. Yes, the fruit-- so silly, but does give you a good visual. I swear my babies are more like Plantains, because I can feel them moving in my crotch and under my rib cage at the same time.
The babies look awesome though, 10oz, and 12oz already. Their heartbeats are 167 and 132. They still give me the open ended ... looks identical, but maybe could be fraternal. I guess it doesnt really matter. They both have their own sac and placenta so that is perfect.
I have gained 18 pounds total so far, but I do feel like a truck. I have gone to the gym pretty much everyday since I found out I was pregnant. It was MUCH harder during the first trimester, now its pretty easy. I just look a little more awkward crawling onto the machines and waddling around in my spandex with my muffin top screaming "look out- wide load coming through." The gym is definitely my saving grace, so I'll keep that up until I'm ready to burst.
I have ordered everything for the nursery, crib, bedding, furniture, etc. I'm so excited for it to arrive.
We went to Florida for Adam's little sister, Lauren's wedding. It was a great time. I was hotter than a Texas Whore House, but it was a really fun time spent with family and seeing Lauren and Scottie so happy. Ill post some pics.
We are headed to see my parents in Colorado next week, and then going to Arizona for my first baby shower in September. LOTS OF VACATION this summer!! After Arizona we will settle down, and have one more shower up north with our East Coast family.
All in all, we are doing fabulous. Enjoying the comedy of pregnancy and doing lots of laughing.
To kick off the guessing of the genders... I am staying BOY BOY!!
~~ Jaime
I can't even believe I'm half way done. I can say, while doing a leprochan kick and air fist pumping, that I am THRILLED to be out of the 1st trimester and begining portion of the pregnancy's woods. Holy mother of cheese cake that was no fun, no fun at all! Now, I'm feeling just super-- honestly I am. Of course I'll fill you in on the dirty and cheap shots that are still very much around to taunt me, but overall, we are 90% smiles most of the time.
What I don't miss..
1. Barfing my brains out
2. Nausea triggers(Kitchen, Grocery Store, Smelling anything, being alive in general) 24/7
3. THE BLOAT-- I looked like a microwaved marshmallow every living moment
4. Being so thirsty I could drain a pool- chlorine and all
5. Insomnia- I felt like a tweeker
6. Wearing that stupid Belly Band-- great invention, but wearing another layer in summer can suck an egg
7. The fear of something going massively wrong with the pregnancy
I can say I was never really tired. I know this is a common complaint for most women, but I really never felt exhausted. I just had every other symptom in the book plus a few "happens to 1% of women" symptoms.
Now, I'm huge-- let's start there. I'm not kidding for those that are saying "oh ya right Jaime, you're probably still small and just feel large" NOPE-- definitely large. I still refuse to buy maternity clothes. I can't, they are so discustingly ugly I just can't spend my money on them. So, instead I'm into XL and XXL and not afraid to wear leggings with anything that allows it.
I don't really feel big anywhere but my belly and its not just a little ball belly, its the entire torso belly. The babies are in their designated positions, left and right, and about the size of a Banana. Yes, the fruit-- so silly, but does give you a good visual. I swear my babies are more like Plantains, because I can feel them moving in my crotch and under my rib cage at the same time.
The babies look awesome though, 10oz, and 12oz already. Their heartbeats are 167 and 132. They still give me the open ended ... looks identical, but maybe could be fraternal. I guess it doesnt really matter. They both have their own sac and placenta so that is perfect.
I have gained 18 pounds total so far, but I do feel like a truck. I have gone to the gym pretty much everyday since I found out I was pregnant. It was MUCH harder during the first trimester, now its pretty easy. I just look a little more awkward crawling onto the machines and waddling around in my spandex with my muffin top screaming "look out- wide load coming through." The gym is definitely my saving grace, so I'll keep that up until I'm ready to burst.
I have ordered everything for the nursery, crib, bedding, furniture, etc. I'm so excited for it to arrive.
We went to Florida for Adam's little sister, Lauren's wedding. It was a great time. I was hotter than a Texas Whore House, but it was a really fun time spent with family and seeing Lauren and Scottie so happy. Ill post some pics.
We are headed to see my parents in Colorado next week, and then going to Arizona for my first baby shower in September. LOTS OF VACATION this summer!! After Arizona we will settle down, and have one more shower up north with our East Coast family.
All in all, we are doing fabulous. Enjoying the comedy of pregnancy and doing lots of laughing.
To kick off the guessing of the genders... I am staying BOY BOY!!
~~ Jaime
Pregnancy is pretty great most of the time...
Okay now I know that some of these don't always apply – we've all met that dick that doesn't care if you're pregnant and won't hold the door for you even if you're hauling a bag of hammers up three flights of stairs – but generally speaking, there are a few perks to being knocked up."I don't feel up to it" is a valid excuse to get out of almost anything. Don't feel like going to your co-workers karaoke debut, seeing a documentary about the social habits of chinchillas, or volunteering at to organize the fun fair? "I'm just not feeling up to it" when you're pregnant its up there with "I have diarrhea" when you don't because nobody want to venture into the details.
People want you to sit down all the time and offer their seats. Sure this one can get annoying (especially around older men who seem to think being upright is a detriment to you and your unborn child) but how awesome is it to go to the family picnic and not have to scan for an open lawn chair. "Sorry Aunt Mary, go rest your shiny new hip somewhere else, I have to eat cake."
People offer to carry stuff for you. This somehow never applies to screaming toddlers – but with groceries, bags of dirt, and 50lb bags of rotini from Costco, someone will often step up and ask if you want help. Again, some people will insist they help you with that treacherous bag of cotton balls, but that's a small price to pay for getting a giant bag of dog food lifted into your car. Just be sure your trunk is not full of embarrassing crap like empty bags of McDonald's, Sour Patch Kids and Pop Tart boxes with a roll of random toilet paper from when your nose was inexplicably running for no reason.
You are expected to eat a lot. I especially love old, European Ladies in this area. They just keep handing you pasta, pastries and perogies and say, "eat, eat, you nid to eat". They are also the same women that told you not to be too smart or no good man will want to marry you, but they are awesome cooks so you let it slide.
You can blame crying on the pregnancy. Phone commercial? Episode of Grey's? Preview for Kung Fu Panda 14? Feel free to burst into uncontrollable crying if you are so inclined because people expect this kind of outbursts from you. Plus, I feel it's important you let this kind of emotion out so it doesn't turn into gas.You can blame forgetfulness on the pregnancy. There have been many studies that have discounted pregnancy brain but I think those people are just confused and need a tall cool glass of shut-the-hell-up. People find this annoying trait quite endearing when you're pregnant so skip a few meetings and birthdays while you're gestating to take advantage of this loop hole.
You can blame violence on the pregnancy. Some women feel all soft and nesty through their pregnancies and some women want to jump on the hood of the car that cut them off, and plunge their fists through the windshield like the Terminator.
People are friendlier. Perhaps being pregnant signifies to some people that you were deemed nurturing and nice enough to be impregnated because strangers will find you more approachable and will therefore be friendlier to you. This also lays a nice foundation for crying, forgetfulness and batshit crazy rage because people assume that at you are good at your core so they'll let a lot of stuff go.
You don't have to suck it in. Ah, stretchy pants. Mmmmm, tacos. Go for it honey because no one is going to notice or care that you added to the bulge.
People smile at you. Strangers love pregnant woman and silent newborns but they hate kids. Sorry, it's a fact so you should take advantage of all the people that smile at you in the aisles of Walmart while you're shopping for mammoth mamma panties because they'll be that same people that give you the hairy eyeball when you're three-year old launches into a Linda Blair froth when you won't buy him Skittles.
Of course there is always the point that I'm growing two awesome little people in there but how boring is that ;)
~~Jaime
Amazingly awkard pregnancy photos that will brighten anyones day
These photos might just be the highlight of my second trimester. All these images get 6 hell yeahs and a shot of Jäger from me. Hope you enjoy them too.
Awkward Family Photos
"Okay, I'll do your Hoop..., der it's your idea, just don't show my face"
May I call you Kung Fu Panda? Why certainly, may I deliver a front snap-kick to your jewels?
There's a good chance that this baby is going to require sunscreen of SPF 50 and higher.
I can't help but hear the Jaws theme when I see this photo.
Jerry felt pretty cocky about taking the last bag of Oreos a pregnant lady was reaching for at Safeway, until his dismembered body was later found in the forest just outside of town.
Shhh, he falls asleep like this all the time. Just give him a minute.
Proud and noble, Donna figured the tutu and legs she found at Build-A-Bear would cleverly disguise her growing belly.
It's all fun and games until someone gets ingested by a tree.
Hearing only "topless and melons", he was sorely disappointed when he showed up for the photoshoot.
"Hey, lady. Get away from my picnic!"
"Okay, well be sure to take a shot that I can send to Aunt Cathy. Just because she wouldn't come to the wedding doesn't mean she's not excited about the baby."
Tired and exhausted from noodling for catfish, Carol decided to take a rest on the riverbank while keeping an eye out for gators.
Do you dare me to unbutton one more-- its hard to tell what we'll find
Hush, hush sweet little man-baby. Everything's going to be alright.
I agree that the question mark is vital on this man's t-shirt. Where is he looking? Why did he feel the need to layer two black tees? Why isn't he happy? How do they get their plants in the background to grow so well?
Quickly wrapping the table cloth around her naked body and running outside, she still wasn't fast enough to catch the ice-cream truck.
Cat's is the second longest running musical of all time, therefore, this image is timeless! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Seeing as I had trouble putting on my shoes during my pregnancy, I can't help but be impressed by this modest little flower's agility.
I hope this is hanging over the fireplace for when their sassy mouthed 13-year old daughter brings her friends over.
Thank you Awkward Family Photos for coming out with yet another book I want for Christmas. Lastly, I hope all you folks in the shots had wonderful, healthy babies. Nope, just doesn't get old for me. It just doesn't get old.
~~ Jaime
Awkward Family Photos"Okay, I'll do your Hoop..., der it's your idea, just don't show my face"
May I call you Kung Fu Panda? Why certainly, may I deliver a front snap-kick to your jewels?
There's a good chance that this baby is going to require sunscreen of SPF 50 and higher.
I can't help but hear the Jaws theme when I see this photo.
Jerry felt pretty cocky about taking the last bag of Oreos a pregnant lady was reaching for at Safeway, until his dismembered body was later found in the forest just outside of town.
Shhh, he falls asleep like this all the time. Just give him a minute.
Proud and noble, Donna figured the tutu and legs she found at Build-A-Bear would cleverly disguise her growing belly.
It's all fun and games until someone gets ingested by a tree.
Hearing only "topless and melons", he was sorely disappointed when he showed up for the photoshoot.
"Hey, lady. Get away from my picnic!"
"Okay, well be sure to take a shot that I can send to Aunt Cathy. Just because she wouldn't come to the wedding doesn't mean she's not excited about the baby."
Tired and exhausted from noodling for catfish, Carol decided to take a rest on the riverbank while keeping an eye out for gators.
Do you dare me to unbutton one more-- its hard to tell what we'll find
Hush, hush sweet little man-baby. Everything's going to be alright.
I agree that the question mark is vital on this man's t-shirt. Where is he looking? Why did he feel the need to layer two black tees? Why isn't he happy? How do they get their plants in the background to grow so well?
Quickly wrapping the table cloth around her naked body and running outside, she still wasn't fast enough to catch the ice-cream truck.
Cat's is the second longest running musical of all time, therefore, this image is timeless! Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Seeing as I had trouble putting on my shoes during my pregnancy, I can't help but be impressed by this modest little flower's agility.
I hope this is hanging over the fireplace for when their sassy mouthed 13-year old daughter brings her friends over.
Thank you Awkward Family Photos for coming out with yet another book I want for Christmas. Lastly, I hope all you folks in the shots had wonderful, healthy babies. Nope, just doesn't get old for me. It just doesn't get old.
~~ Jaime
Porn for Pregnant Ladies
Hey pregnant ladies we *should* have our very own candy to look at. We have needs! We have desires!
I thought about some of the wonderful words many pregnant women might like to hear during this blissful time of feeling so attractive and full of spunk.
Here are a few I came up with, but feel free to let me know what else these fine (oh so fine) gentlemen could say to make you weak in the knees.
Thank you Gentlemen, I couldn't have said it better myself!
~~ Jaime
Here are a few I came up with, but feel free to let me know what else these fine (oh so fine) gentlemen could say to make you weak in the knees.
Thank you Gentlemen, I couldn't have said it better myself!
~~ Jaime
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